


I'm Not in the Right State of Mind

by Oh_DAMNeron



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Child Murder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Murder, Mutual Pining, Pining, Self-Hatred, Stabbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28218579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_DAMNeron/pseuds/Oh_DAMNeron
Summary: V finds himself faced with an incredibly traumatic situation while on a job from the NCPD. He ends up reluctantly seeking comfort from the one thing that has been a constant in his recent life; Johnny Silverhand.____________________________________The title is a lyric from the song Liar by The Arcadian Wild
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/Male V, Johnny Silverhand/V
Comments: 5
Kudos: 169





	I'm Not in the Right State of Mind

The gig had gone wrong, it had gone so very wrong.

V had been called on by the NCPD once again to take care of a cyberpsycho incident. He had been on call for them, in a sense, for the past week or so to deal with this sort of situation. He had loaded up with gear and set off on Jackie's Arch to the address he had been sent. It still hurt to look at the bike and know that Jackie wasn't going to come back for it one day, like V had hoped. He had expected the same sort of thing he'd been faced with, someone suffering from cyberpsychosis who had hurt some people and had to be "neutralised". It wasn't the nicest or cleanest of gigs but it was a gig, and god knows he could use the money. But when he arrived, it was something different, something horrible.

He was face to face with a ritualistic sacrifice of sorts. He'd seen the aftermath of one previously but hadn't seen it in action. As he skidded to a halt nearby and toed down the kickstand, he truly took in what was happening.

A man, who was adorned with so much chrome that it looked unhealthy, was rambling madly with his hands raised to the sky. The man was surrounded by five other people in a semi-circle who also bore many cybernetic enhancements as well. They acted as gunmen to this sacrifice and had guns trained on people who were on their knees in front of them. The NCPD hadn't mentioned captives, V mused. However, that wasn't the part that broke V. It was when his eyes landed on those people. No, not just people. Children. They looked distraught and it became clear to V that they weren't willing participants of this ritual, they had been kidnapped from their homes and brought here to die. V saw a child, a small boy, make eye contact with him and mouth a teary "help us…", to which V nodded and began to creep from his position.

V had, just for a fraction of a moment, considered a stealthy option, taking them all out one by one but he felt that he was running out of time. The cyberpsycho was slowing his rambles and lowering his arms to the children. His gaze shifted to one of the gunmen and he nodded.

V only managed to shout a panicked "No!" And raise his gun high but he was too late. The unified shots resembling that of a firing squad rang out, reverberating off of the shipping containers and dilapidated buildings. There was the chilling thudding of small bodies hitting the concrete. V stared for a long moment, gun slightly lowered, feeling a thunderous storm begin to roil inside him. His breath shuddered on the way out and he gritted his teeth. 

He wasn't going to let them leave after what they did. V was going to kill them. 

V had been overwhelmed with such rage and fury that it wasn't until he was breathless on his knees on the bloody concrete that he realised what he had done. Looking around he saw the bodies of the children and gunmen. His gaze stopped on the body of the cyberpsycho who laid in front of him, still warm but unmoving. V felt the weight of his pistol in one hand and a sizable machete in the other, both covered in blood. He dropped them and the clanging of metal on concrete rang out loudly. He looked at his shaking hands, there was hardly any clear skin to be seen as they were also coated in blood. He couldn't tell whose blood it was, probably a mixture. 

He scrunched his eyes shut before tentatively turning his gaze to the child that was closest to him. A little girl. She had an expression of true fear on her face that would remain there for eternity, her eyes vacant and staring. She had an exit wound directly between her eyes. She wouldn't have been more than eight years old and here she was, lying dead on the floor of some place, most likely far away from her parents. He'd have to tell them, wouldn't he? He wasn't sure if he had it in him to tell her parents, or any of their parents. Maybe it would be wise to leave that to the NCPD. He wished he had had that opportunity when it had come to Jackie… but it had only been him who had to tell Mama Welles what happened. That was a hard and emotional conversation and he'd do anything to avoid having another one of those soon.

"Seems to me that you might actually be good at your job after all…" a voice muttered from somewhere out of V's range of vision, but he recognised the voice immediately. 

"Get the fuck out of here, Johnny. You're the last thing I need right now." V growled as he turned his fierce gaze onto Silverhand.

Johnny seemed to get the idea and shrugged before walking away behind a shipping container and dematerialising. V vaguely sensed a pang of hurt from the depths of his mind, but it didn't register over the pain and mourning he was feeling.

V tried to stand but hissed sharply as his side flared with pain. He fell back to his knees and finally looked down at his blood soaked clothing. He lifted it gently, peeling the bloodied shirt from his skin. It was a wound, a knife wound to be exact. He must have been stabbed during the fight. With his adrenaline wearing off he was feeling the pain more and more. He needed to get home before he bled out and died here with all the others. 

V wasn't entirely sure how he got home in one piece. He had begun to run on autopilot the moment he recognised his usual route home and tried to drown out the memories of the sacrifice with blaring music.

Once V got back to his apartment he immediately stripped and staggered into the shower, needing to wash it all away. It didn't necessarily help. He had ended up sitting in the corner of the shower, elbow on his knees, fingers pulling at his long hair, his other hand pressing firmly on his stab wound, eyes clenched shut. His mind rang with the sounds of gunfire. He ran his hands down over his face and pushed the balls of his palms deep into his eyes until he was seeing stars and colours. He vaguely saw the shape of the girl, laying dead on the floor, staring past him again with unseeing eyes. He sprang to his feet and slammed the shower off. He leaned heavily against the wall and took a moment to breathe deeply in the silence. 

It had all gone so very wrong. Those kids weren't supposed to die. 

V sat on the lounge in sweatpants with his small medical kit next to him. He had threaded the needle and had disinfected the wound, which naturally was not a pleasant experience. V held the needle in one hand and with his other hand, pinched the wound. He was about to stitch it when he felt a presence next to him and looked up with great frustration to see Johnny Silverhand sprawled on the lounge next to him. He watched V silently for a moment but V didn't move, just stared back, frustrated with Johnny's sudden appearance.

"Hey," Johnny played, clicking his fingers in V's face, "You're bleeding out. Might want to do something about that before we both die." 

"Go away, Silverhand." V dropped his gaze back to the wound and readjusted his grip on the needle. He took a deep breath before he began stitching, it wasn't fun. The whole process hurt like a bitch and he found himself reaching for alcohol more than once during the process. He could have gone to some medical professional, Viktor perhaps, but he didn't want to be around anyone like that right now. So he took care of it himself. 

V wrapped a bandage around his stomach and secured it in place before sliding on his hoodie. He pulled the hood up over his head and pulled on the strings. He was sat in the corner of his bed, against the wall. He felt hot tears sting at the corners of his eyes as he thought about the children. He pulled the hoodie sleeve up over his palms and rubbed the fabric over his face roughly. He groaned as his wound pulled against the stitches as he moved in place and held his hand to it gingerly. 

He was in pain, he was exhausted and he was afraid to go to sleep. He didn't want to dream of the sacrifice. He thudded the back of his head lightly against the wall and groaned again, this time out of frustration. 

"You seem to have had a fun day today, is this normal for you?" Johnny teased. He was leant against the wall looking down at V. 

"The fuck does it look like…" V glared at him, completely unamused. 

"Bad day, huh?" He could feel Johnny smirking at his own jokes, thinking that he's fucking hilarious.

V barked an angry laugh before groaning as his wound stung. "You live in my mind, you saw what happened. I don't think we'd classify today as a good day…" V retorted. 

Johnny was quiet for a moment, contemplating something that V couldn't put his finger on quite just yet.

There was a long silence between them where V pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, trying to block out Johnny. 

"No, it wasn't." Johnny muttered, painted with an expression of deep concentration.

V looked up, unsure that he heard him right to start with. "Huh?" 

"Today. It wasn't a good day. You saw some horrible shit, you got hurt. But," Johnny fixed his gaze on V, "you did well. I'll give you that." 

V tilted his head like a confused puppy, trying to make sense of the words. "You going soft on me, Silverhand?" V smiled weakly.

Johnny laughed for a moment, "Don't think so highly of me. You're in a tough spot right now," he shrugged, "guess I'm just feeling generous s'all." 

V watched him for a heart beat, waiting to spot a tell on his face to prove that he was bluffing. But the tell never came so he nodded. "Thanks, Johnny." 

"No problem, kid." 

There was another very long silence between them. V battling his own inner turmoil and traumas while Johnny flickered in and out of existence doing who knows what. There were long moments where he wasn't there and usually V would have relished those moments but right now, in his current state of mind, he dreaded being alone.

"Hey, uh… Johnny?" V piped finally.

Johnny hummed quietly as a form of acknowledgement from the other side of the room.

"Could you… uh… could you hang around for a bit…" V's voice was low, he was almost embarrassed to even be asking the question. 

Johnny looked over to him and tilted his head a fraction, so V continued on. 

"I don't want to be alone with my thoughts right now… I feel like I'd made some stupid decision that I can't come back from." V avoided eye contact, his cheeks burning. He hated showing any sign of vulnerability, and it was worse that he was showing it to Johnny fucking Silverhand of all people. 

"Sure, V. I'll hang about." Johnny could tell deep down that this maybe wasn't the best time to fuck with V, so he agreed. 

V didn't realise he was holding his breath until he heard Johnny agree. He breathed out deeply, a long trembling breath. "Thanks, Johnny…" 

That night was one of the longest nights of V's life. The desire to sleep was strong but he wouldn't give into it that easily. Fear was a stronger motivator. He was visibly fighting sleep as the night became early morning. Johnny was slowly getting more and more worried as he realised that V hadn't moved from the corner in his bedroom. Johnny, groaning gently as he rose from the lounge, made his way across the apartment to V. He crouched down near the bed and started pulling back the covers. 

"What are you doin'?" V squinted at him, tiredness heavy in his voice. 

"Putting you to bed." Johnny said matter-of-factly.

"No, I'm good. Really, I'm fine." V sounded like he didn't even believe himself, it wasn't working as a defence against Johnny.

"We both know that's a lie." He stood up, pointing at the bed. "Go to sleep." 

V shook his head and seemed to fold back in on himself more than Johnny thought was possible. "I'd rather do anything else…" 

Johnny crossed his arms, fully aware that he looked like a father right now. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind. "You're wounded, mentally and physically. Sleeping is the best thing that could help right now." 

V's face scrunched up involuntarily, he felt his eyes sting and his vision blur. "I don't want to see their faces again… they were just kids..." his voice wavered and cracked. He spoke so quietly but he knew that Johnny could hear him no matter what.

"I know, V, I know." Johnny slid down the wall next to the bed and sat on the ground, facing V. "It sucks. Night City takes so much from so many people, but you can't let it stop you. You've still got your life and even if you know your expiry date, so what? Don't forget we share a brain, I got all your memories right here. I know that you want to go out in a blaze of glory, as a legend of Night City. Don't let this stop you." 

V was crying. Not loudly, just silently to himself. His shoulders shook and he felt hot tears dampen his hoodie. 

V felt the bed sink next to him and suddenly Johnny was there. He felt Johnny's hand rest itself on his back and start to rub circles gently into it. 

"I've seen some bad shit, V. Hell, I've done some bad shit. But what you saw today, that was getting up to the top of the charts. But you can't punish yourself for what happened. Please, V. Sleep." Johnny's words were coated in concern. 

V felt heavy with exhaustion. He cautiously leaned to the side to press himself against Johnny, who surprisingly wrapped an arm around him in response. 

"C'mon, let's get you into bed." Johnny whispered into V's ear. 

V nodded and let Johnny guide him under the covers. Johnny sat on the ground next to the bed with V watching him through half lidded eyes. He was still scared. Still hesitant to follow the siren song of sleep. 

"V…" Johnny was worried, quite visibly. "Close your eyes." 

V very tentatively reached out his hand, managing to hook his pinky with Johnny's. Johnny smiled and breathed out deeply. 

"I won't let anything bad happen to you. If you start having a nightmare, I'll wake you up. I'm not going anywhere." Johnny whispered endearingly. V didn't think he was capable of such things and Johnny hoped that he wouldn't remember this in the morning.

At that, V finally felt like maybe he would be safe. So he let his eyes finally close and he subconsciously chased sleep. It didn't take very long for his breathing to deepen and for sleep to finally take hold.

Johnny took his time to take it all in. To take V in. He looked so peaceful as he slept. He had promised not to go anywhere, so he wouldn't. Johnny moved to lay down beside him on the floor and, as if without even thinking, he rearranged their hands so that they had their fingers intertwined. He had reasoned to himself that it gave V something to hold onto and ground himself with if he needed it during the night. That way he wouldn't feel like he was giving in to feelings he didn't exactly understand yet and, quite frankly, didn't want to confront any time soon. Johnny stared at V, let his eyes wander over the sleeping man's face for a while. Taking in all his peaceful features. He closed his own eyes and followed V into the realm of sleep, staying by his side through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've written for the Cyberpunk 2077 fandom so please be nice ahah also I know that technically Johnny wouldn't be able to touch V or the bed and stuff like that but it's okay don't over think it ahaha  
> I have not edited this cause it's early hours of the morning so forgive me  
> I might do another part but I'm not sure at this point
> 
> Please feel free to leave comments cause I thrive off of them <3


End file.
